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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24002548">Nocturnal</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kya0810/pseuds/kya0810'>kya0810</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hey! Say! JUMP</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Blood and Injury, Drug Use, Drugs, Fluff and Smut, Illusions, Light Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Psychological Trauma, dream - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:08:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,806</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24002548</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kya0810/pseuds/kya0810</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yuto cannot get over their break up. His brain starts to malfunction and lure him into self-destruction via dreams.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nakajima Yuto/Yamada Ryosuke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Nocturnal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Nocturnal</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chap Oneshot</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Author: Kyanne</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Pairing: Nakajima Yuto, Yamada Ryosuke</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Rating: PG15 </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Disclaimer: I only own the plot.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Yuto tightens his grip. Between his own are white smooth fingers of Ryosuke, the sense of belonging hypnotizes his mind like a virus, spreading all over his body one shockwave after another. It can never be like this with any other person by just holding hands. But he’s with his Ryosuke now, so be it.</p>
<p>Ryosuke leads him through the swifting lights of a summer festival, deafens his ears by gentle loving words, lures him in, eats him all. That Ryosuke is wearing a red and golden yukata with an ice cream on his other hand, drops of cream falling down his wrist a little, a cherry blossom color. The surrounding silhouettes are shuttering, like they’re in slow motion, like they’re molded of outdated clay. Ryosuke keeps pulling him onwards, distracting him from the mundane weirdness by turning his head back and looking right into Yuto’s eyes. Yuto is charmed. They make it to the grass field where oddly there is no one. The shorter leans his head on Yuto’s shoulder as they sit, staring at the blinding fireworks up high, but Yuto feels just so senseless, like something is drifting him out of here, something above the surface.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Yutti.”</em>
</p>
<p>Ryosuke sounds like a lost soul, a past ghost. Yuto turns to him. They share a kiss, a longing one, diving down, until the taste on Yuto’s lip finally gets its consciousness back on. Yuto pulls out of the kiss as he narrows his eyebrows, tries to talk straight as he sobs,</p>
<p>“No. You’re not him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p>There’s someone at the door. Yuto rolls his body to lay up, scratching his eyes a little and stares at the ceiling. That dimension again. Yuto has been having that illusional dream for a while now, ever since they broke up. His heart is trying its best to diminish those long-lasting feelings that are not supposed to be existed by now, but his brain<em>, that evil little organ</em>, is functioning like it wants a divorce. From when he doesn’t know, it’s been creating dreams. It mimics the real world, so well, so original, because it even builds another Yamada Ryosuke in his mind. It’s not fake. That Ryosuke is built based on the past, taking materials from his most archaic memory, his incentive subconsciousness, those he thought were already dead.</p>
<p>Yuto slowly gets to the door. It’s Yabu. Late for work again, he thinks.</p>
<p>“Yuto, get ready, we’re leaving in 15 minutes, car’s already outside.” Yabu lets out a sigh as he walks in and he presses his back on the wall near the door. He knows Yuto doesn’t want anyone to interfere his daily routine, especially in early morning because that is when Yuto is the most vulnerable to anything. He can throw a freaking tantrum, or break down and lying there lifelessly. For years, he knows the younger too well, Yabu’s learned how to manage him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They get in the car and it drives off. Yuto angles his head on the car’s window, looking out.</p>
<p>“Yabu-chan, I got the dream again.” He suddenly confesses, “Like all other time, it was real. Surreal. I don’t know how much time I have left before I literally fall apart.”</p>
<p>“I see. So my sleeping pills haven’t worked since.”</p>
<p>“I took a whole lots of it and still woke myself up exactly at three in the morning, struggled to sleep again and before I knew what was happening, you came and picked me up. It’s getting more frequent, 2 or 3 times a week now. I’m just really tired.”</p>
<p>Yabu really doesn’t have any other suggestions. He can’t solve this, Yuto has to find his way out. Yuto rejects seeing a therapist. Speaking it out is painful enough.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dance practice is as normal. A lot of screaming and yelling and joking around, all the sound that drives Yuto crazy. While everyone is still checking up on each other, he leaves the room without any notice. Yuto throws himself on the couch of the other dressing room and closes his eyes. He needs silence. Just silence. The lack of sleep starts to consume him, bury him deep down, and his mind is all tangled. With this indisposition, Yuto can do nothing at all; he has no mood for singing let alone dancing, because every move weights a ton, and the notes suck his breath out of him.</p>
<p>He opens his eyes as someone is turning the door knob, immediately turns on defense mode. Yamada comes in and when he sees Yuto, he hesitates taking a step, but continues to walk in anyway. Yuto rolls his eyes onto his one side. Yamada avoids looking at him, he goes straight to the clothes rack to change his outfit. No words exchanged. Yuto feels like he can break down and cry his eyes out every next second, he stays motionless because making one move means a domino effect of his own collapse.</p>
<p>There is a gravity pull on the couch surface, Yamada comes sit next to him. Yuto closes his eyes. That’s it, he tries his best not to have any interaction, and his attempt is all gone.</p>
<p>“Hey, are you okay?”</p>
<p>Yamada whispers, and his words echoing forever in that small room, he doesn’t want Yuto to startle. The delicate voice, his light perfume, his shampoo, his weight, his eyes looking at Yuto right now, all are making their fiercest attack on him. God he misses this so bad, and it hurts to sense them all. Yuto struggles to drop a sentence.</p>
<p>“I’m fine.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure? You never look fine for a while now.”</p>
<p>“What do you expect? I lost you after all.” Yuto smirks as his voice’s breaking, tries to hold himself together.</p>
<p>“Do you hate me now?” Yamada asks like he knows the answer already, he just needs a confirmation. He’s hurt too.</p>
<p>Yuto directs his eyes to Yamada’s, he lets out a sorrowful smile,</p>
<p>“Hatred requires anger and pain. I’m not angry at you. I only have the pain.”</p>
<p>Yuto doesn’t lie. <em>Yuto never lies</em>. Each word he says is extracted right inside his heart, and so truthful that it’s hard not to believe. Yamada wishes they’re both lying. Sadly none of them are. They’re showing each other how painful it is to be apart, but the part that they messed up in this relationship cannot be undone. Yamada reaches for Yuto’s hand and hold it firm, not too tight, not too loose, firm. And they stay like that for some moment, like this is the last time they can be with each other before returning back to their true selves later on, all crumbled and damaged with unhealed scars.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p>Fire’s flickering, fill the room with lukewarm lighting, just enough to distinguish shadows out of the darkness. Ryosuke’s sitting on Yuto’s lap, facing each other, with the fireplace contrasting the source of light behind the older’s back makes Yuto hardly see his face. Their heads touching as their hands colliding, Yuto brushing Ryosuke’s palm slowly, like a massage, like he’s handling a treasure. Ryosuke suddenly lets go of Yuto’s hand, cubbing his head for a kiss. The younger wraps his hand on the other’s waist, pulling in, digging his nails on that alluring flesh. It’s a soft one. Ryosuke parts out after a second or two. He leans his head on Yuto’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“I miss you.” Yuto speaks in a voice not louder than a whisper.</p>
<p>“I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere.”</p>
<p>“I know we’ve broken up already. Give me some time and I’ll get over this, I swear. I owe you a lot, this. Just…I need to touch you a little longer, then I’ll learn to constrain myself.”</p>
<p>Ryosuke caresses Yuto's moles, running his fingers down to Yuto’s neck. He brushes his kisses on each of them, trailing them down, then slightly bite Yuto’s Adam’s apple. When he looks up to him again, Yuto attacks Ryosuke’s lips shamelessly like a hungry carnivore, swallows down all the light moans escaping from his throat. Yuto licks it wet, bites the lower lip, penetrates his tongue deep in. They let go for a split of a second and Yuto places his final kiss, caring and full of love.</p>
<p>“You know I’m not him. You hesitated to take over me.” Ryosuke murmurs between his erratic breaths.</p>
<p>“I do know.”</p>
<p>“But you’re not waken up this time. You’re playing with your subconsciousness.”</p>
<p>“I just want to taste you, no matter how pathetic I am.” Yuto buries his head down Ryosuke’s crook, sniffs a long inhale. This time his brain does the job better. It can mimic Yamada’s scent, and because they held hand that day, more materials coming in, and everything is getting more real, with lesser flaws and more precise details.</p>
<p>“I’ll let you go. Remember, I am always here for you. You still have a lot of pills, don’t you?”, Ryosuke licks Yuto’s earlobe which sends a shiver down his spine, “Take them all and we’ll be together, forever.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p>Yuto gasps for air, he wakes up with a deadly headache and blur eye sight. His limbs are so heavy he can’t move, his body is covered with sweat, and his heart is aggressively pounding. Yuto tries to roll over and he falls down the hard wooden floor. That is when he can feel himself again. He balances himself to stand up, stumbles to the bathroom, looks in the mirror slowly, cautiously, as if not sure of what he’ll see. He rushes to his kitchen and grabs a knife, hesitates for a while. Yuto cuts himself. Blood flows down around his forearm like painting the crimson red on his white pale canvas. The pain throbs in his guts, it's deep and warm, but not in a nice way. He lightly presses his index finger against the center of the cut and sucks in a sharp breath as the pain spirals all across his body.</p>
<p>Okay, that helps a lot. He’s in the real world.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know exactly what is going on with you, idiot!”</p>
<p>Chinen yells at him while grabbing his wounded hand, faces it before him to prove a point. Yuto doesn’t dare to look at him, Chinen’s pretty much a devil in disguise of a pink angel.</p>
<p>“You really think no one notices, don’t you? Nakajima, I know you’ve been taking pills because you’re in distress and okay, fine, we let it go since we can’t help with that. But seriously, cutting yourself? You’re a fucking idol, hold on to that. This isn’t just about you.”</p>
<p>Chinen is wicked, nobody ever opposes, but only under the rarest circumstances would he show his true self, raging it all out onto Yuto’s face, who is now too tired to open his eyes.</p>
<p>“Yutti…” his voice softens as he puts his hand on Yuto’s arm, squeezes a little, “Please don’t toss us out. Let us help. You’re not alone.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, Yuri, but this is my problem. Gotta handle it on my own. I will try to look as professional as possible, just…long-sleeved shirts will work, don’t you think?”</p>
<p>Yuto weakly smiles at his friend. He heads back to the practice room, masking an emotionless face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s raining hard outside, and because he rushed out of the house this morning with a nearly-exploded head, he didn’t remember to check the weather. Yuya has offered to drive him home, he just simply said yes, he did not want to think more or less. Coming home or anywhere is still the same.</p>
<p>He leans himself under the roof of the parking lot, waiting for Yuya. From a distanced location, he heard a familiar laughing sound. Yamada’s. Before he even has the time to check if it is really him, he sees Suda Masaki gets out of the car, waves at Yamada as the man’s carrying an umbrella in his hand. Yamada gladly comes out and gives that man a hug which boils Yuto’s blood, waves of sorrow takes over him as soon as Yamada enters the car. Suda was the root of their break up. They fought over their jealousy, and before realizing it, they’ve hurt each other so much that the relationship could hardly be maintained. Now he’s here playing with Yuto, taking Yamada away from him, every time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuto’s taking them. Several of them, at once. Sleeping pills find their ways down to his throat, gradually numbing him, and he collapses into nothing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p>“Yuto-kun!”</p>
<p>Someone is calling him. He’s surrounded by the darkest shade of black, all empty. A source of light appears before him, it’s getting bigger until it expands all over him. It sets up a very familiar scene.</p>
<p>“What the…”</p>
<p>Yuto realizes he’s sitting on a train. Looking outside, it seems like the train is getting far from the center of Tokyo. He feels a pressure on his shoulder so he locates his head to see what is it. It’s Ryosuke, but younger. Yuto stares at Ryosuke for a while until the train goes through a tunnel, the glass window reflects himself. He’s carrying his eleven-year-old’s face.</p>
<p>Ryosuke wakes up and shakes his head from one side to another.</p>
<p>“Yuto-kun, are we home yet?”</p>
<p>“Eh? Ugh…I think not yet.”</p>
<p><em>Wow, I used to sound so husky, but cute, </em>he thinks. Yuto pats Ryosuke head to take the boy to sleep again while still leaning on him. He wonders why his brain set this scene up. Yuto tries to think straight, he’s in the dream and he knows it, because he remembers taking the pills. The question now is why this time, why choosing the scene from fifteen years ago.</p>
<p>The day when they first met.</p>
<p>The train finally stops as a small town in the rural area. Ryosuke steps down the train and runs fast, leaving Yuto behind. When Yuto tries to catch up, the shorter boy turns his head around with the most beautiful smile Yuto has ever seen,</p>
<p>“Let’s always go home together, Yuto-kun!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before he can answer, a light strikes him again and when he opens his eyes, JUMP’s members are all around him. They are gathered up at the dance practice room, sitting in a circle, waiting for an anouncement. Yuto peeps at the mirror behind his back. So now he’s nineteen. Their manager walks in with some papers in his hand as he speaks up formally,</p>
<p>“Thank you everyone for the hard work. I want to discuss our activity in the near future. As Yuto will lead the role of Kindaichi, normally we will have a group single serving the series. But this time, after lots of consideration, the company wants to make it into a solo single. So, Yuto, congratulations.”</p>
<p>
  <em>Hold on,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Isn’t it Yamada’s solo single and lead role? </em>
</p>
<p>JUMP don’t seem jealous or having any negative feelings at all. They still joke around after the news, YabuHika stick together, Yuya is still offering to drive him home, Chinen clings onto Daiki mumbling about some outdoor concerts going on tonight, Inoo picks up a phone call and rushes to his lab, and Keito being Keito, plugs the earphone in and enjoys his newly-downloaded Western music. All seems so casual, like the switch in Yamada and Yuto’s role is unnoticeable; to be exact, never existed.</p>
<p>“Yutti, I got some new games at home. If you’re not busy, wanna come along?”</p>
<p>Before he realizes what’s happening, he’s followed Ryosuke to his house. Right after he closes the door, Ryosuke pushes him onto the wall and kisses him longingly, hands on his neck and shoulder. Yuto broadens his eyes as his head is a blank space.</p>
<p>“Congrats on the new solo, Yutti~”, Ryosuke sketches out a gorgeous smile, “I’m proud of you.”</p>
<p>Yuto is fighting between smiling back or crying hard. How can Yamada Ryosuke be so precious? He always wishes Yuto the best, always there to support him, lifts him up, heals him by just being himself. Yuto feels ashamed as he thinks back about the time he got all jealous on being kicked out of the center position. Nineteen, he was swallowed by his own greedy hatred, he blamed the world, threw his anger on the love of his life, shut himself away from everyone. It was never anyone’s fault but his own.</p>
<p>He intends to lean him for another kiss when that god damn light hits him hard again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s at the parking lot. It’s today. Yuto unconsciously turns his head to one side, and he spots Ryosuke coming out, heading to Suda’s car. Yuto is ready to feel the pain, but then he realizes this is still his dream, he can do whatever he wants without the fear of being a deplorable lost boy.</p>
<p>“Yama!”, he shouts. He still hesitates to call by the first name.</p>
<p>Ryosuke looks at him and waves his hand delightfully. He runs towards Yuto, standing lovingly close to him.</p>
<p>“Hey! I was just about to go with Suda. Sorry for not letting you know first, we’re having Assassination Classroom staffs reunion today, somewhere near Shinjuku. I’ll text you later!”</p>
<p>Ryosuke places a light kiss on Yuto’s cheek as he blushed happily, and returns to Suda’s car.</p>
<p>Yuto wonders if that’d been the truth, or this is just a product of his brain. If it could be like this,… Jealousy unvelt the dark side of his personality, his very incentive sense, a lone wolf that is designed to bite back and obssessed with self-isolation.</p>
<p>
  <em>If it could have been all like this…</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The light flashes one last time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It brings Yuto back to the fireplace, where he shared a moment with Ryosuke a few days ago. Yuto barely opens his eyes because of the after-effect of the flash light, but he still can recognize the familiar shadow.</p>
<p>“Enjoy the ride?”</p>
<p>Ryosuke half-turns his head, signals Yuto to come and sit down with him on the couch. Yuto watchfully approaches, his eyes glue on Ryosuke’s obscure face. What now? This is not a past modification, it’s in real time. He sits down and look at the fireplace, that luminous warmth now makes him feel so unsafe.</p>
<p>“Do you like that Yamada Ryosuke? That’s how I would be, if I was real. You created me out from your scattered memory afterall, it’s all inside your brain. You want it. You want me to obey.”</p>
<p>Ryosuke speaks slowly as he grins. His words are so accurate, so awakening, so alluring. Yuto stares at him, but he doesn’t look back. His eyes shine the reflection of the scorching fire, burning down the remnants of the real Yamada Ryosuke, only leaves the part that he thinks Yuto would long for.</p>
<p>But Yuto knows he was wrong. All that happened was not anyone’s fault. It was not Yamada, it was not any part of Yamada that pushed them into this situation. It is because the way they acted towards each other, small wrong leads to engorgeous mistakes that cannot be undone. But they always have a tomorrow to fix it. It’s not the end. Every minute can be a new beginning. Yuto softens his look as he knows the answer. His brain built all of this up because it was confused and lost in its own maze.</p>
<p>“Well, I’m here. I live for you and you only. I will satisfy all your needs, physically and mentally. You want this, that’s why I’m talking it out right now. Because we are one, both inside your mind, we can always kiss, and sex, and cuddle, and everything that you want me to do. Sounds perfect, doesn’t it?”</p>
<p>…</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuto leans his head on the couch as he smiles, satisfyingly.</p>
<p>“Yama hates losing. Yama always tries his best. Yama is stubborn and usually feels lonely. Yama has a list of insecurities that can be written down as pages, many of them I cannot even understand. But he’s nothing like you. He’s full of flaws, and he’s also the one I love. The most beautiful things in this whole universe lie on him. I lost him because I was selfish, I prioritized my feelings over his feelings, and that was where we did it wrong. Not this time.”</p>
<p>Even his own brain, that wonderful yet sneaking devil of nature, cannot stimulate Yamada the same as he is in the real world. His imaginative version is not perfect, because it’s not him. It’ll never be like him. Nothing in this world, no matter real or unreal, will never be as perfect as Yamada Ryosuke.</p>
<p>“I always crave for having the right to call you by your first name, and that’s where you caught me, didn’t you? And I’m a coward. I can’t say it, I can only do so in my dreams. Ryosuke, thank you for helping me realize who I really love. I have to wake up, now or never. I have to go and win him back.”</p>
<p>“I will always be here, Yuto, you can never erase me. As long as you still love him, I will live, in the darkest region of your mind.”</p>
<p>“I know. You are my selfishness, a part of me, and I’m not even trying to erase you. You’re still around means I still love him. But I will never love you.”</p>
<p>Yuto endearingly shifts his body to get close to Ryosuke one last time. He places a loving good-night kiss on Ryosuke’s forehead as he pats his head, like saying good bye to a dear friend as he’s sending him back to his subconsciousness.</p>
<p>“Thank you for being with me all this time.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yuto rushes out as he holds his phone, dialing Yamada hopelessly. It’s only a few hours after he last saw Yamada at the parking lot, and if miracle ever happens, Yamada is in Shinjuku area like what his dream told him.</p>
<p>And Yuto stops as a restaurant window, seeing Yamada drinking his ass off with a group of people. Yuto looks at Yamada adoringly and somehow, Yamada senses it and looks just right back, with his head tilted and his hand still holding a cup of beer. Yamada sudden stands up and walks out of the restaurant, tipsy as he is, cannot walk straight and gotta let himself fall on the door to make it open.</p>
<p>“Yutti~ You come to pick me up? Not yet, the fun has just… ugh… -started!”</p>
<p>Yuto wraps his arm around Yamada and pulls him in, holds on him tightly.</p>
<p>Like they forgot all of it already. There is no past, no pain, no anger, no nothing. Here and now, Yuto’s only aware of their eyes fixing on each other like forever.</p>
<p>“Yes, I’m here, Yama. To pick us up one more time.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This fic is contributed to YutoYama day on May 5th, but I can't wait so I decided to post it a day early :D I think OE is the best for them, a little angst may balance the day just right.<br/>Feel free to give me some feedback! Thank you for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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